Thursday, August 11, 2016

While we wait...

Tomorrow is a BIG day!  I'm anxious, nervous and excited all at the same time!  We've been waiting for this appointment all summer!  We will get Trent's results and I truly believe we will hear that he is "cleared"!  My faith tells me this, my gut tells me this and he has done so well that I just feel that's what is going to happen. 

So then what?  How do we "do normal" again?  I have struggled, my family has struggled, through these past couple months.  Shouldn't I be on Cloud 9 and just loving life everyday and so thankful that Trent is healed?  YES!!!!  We are incredibly thankful and feel so blessed to have him here and to have witnessed the miracle God gave us!  Don't get me wrong, I feel so blessed by the amount of prayers and support we have seen and his outcome is truly a miracle.  Am I sad?  Yes.  Do I care about all the little things anymore? No. Do I want to leave my house?  Not really.  Do I care if my house is spotless?  No. (Crazy I know!) Do I care if we aren't involved in everything or anything and "doing it all" all the time?  No.  I know, this has really put things into perspective and I realize what is important now, but this feeling I have isn't just about that.  I just feel "blah" is the only way I can describe it.  I feel that if I just stay on an even, steady line we won't have any "ups" but we won't have any "downs" either.  Does that even make sense?!

Do I feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way?  Yes.  I really feel like I should be shouting from the rooftops how great I feel, but I cannot.  Why do I feel guilty?  Because there are so many people who I'm sure would turn the world upside down to feel how I am feeling rather than feeling the loss of their babies.  I have two friends who lost their little boys and my heart breaks for them.  I hate feeling this way, knowing it could be so much worse.  Trent's pediatrician said she looked at his first scans that were done in Pullman and she cannot believe he survived a bleed that severe!  She's never seen a bleed that bad where someone lived.  And not only survived but so far has no deficits.  I relive that awful plane ride every single day.  We watched kids die in the PICU and I know things could have been so much worse, but being that close to his death has, in lack of better words, screwed me up:\

My counselor, yes I am seeing a counselor, tells me these feelings are very, very normal.  Back to counseling for a minute.  I was strongly encouraged by Trent's doctors, nurses and my family to see a counselor.  Not only did we go through hell, but Trace was with Trent when his symptoms first started, was with me on that awful car ride to the hospital and was in the ER with us in Pullman, so he is going to counseling as well because being a hero to your brother is a lot for an 11 year to have to go through.  Does Trent need counseling?  As of right now, we don't think so.  He doesn't remember all the really bad stuff, thank you God.  All he knows is that he doesn't want to have to be back in the hospital again:)

People ask me all the time, "Are you just on edge all the time and scared about what is going to happen?"  No, I'm not.  We truly believe everything happens for a reason.  We believe God has BIG plans for Trent and we cannot wait to see what that plan is!  I feel that if God put us through all of that and kept him alive then there is a reason Trent is here!!  I have never asked, "why us God?"  I have never been angry at him. We take one day at a time and God, and our family, will get us through this.  He is in control and we firmly believe he will not give us more than we can handle.  Whatever he has in store for us next we will take it one step at a time and know he has a plan! He has blessed us with an incredible gift and we do not take that lightly. 

We are forever changed, for the better I believe. 


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